mammatus-clouds1

MAMMATUS clouds…that’s what these clouds are really called (although I prefer my ‘twisty clouds’ name better). This is a real picture; mammatus clouds are formed when the air is saturated with rain droplets or ice crystals and starts to sink.

I love this picture. This isn’t something you see everyday…or every lifetime for that matter. But the thing that I love most is the fact that these clouds are by-products of tornadoes. Now who said nothing beautiful can come out of a disaster? That is just not true.

There was this meeting I attended once in UPLB. There were 5 of us and we were asked, “when you die, how do you want people to remember you?”. I was only 16 years old then but after some introspection, I answered that I wanted to be someone with no regrets. Now, ten years later, I think that answer still holds true.

Whenever I reflect on this, I cannot help but become my melancholic self. I’m sure we all have regrets. My greatest one would have to be my dad; my relationship with him I mean. Everybody says that when I was little, I was daddy’s girl- both because I stuck to him like a lizard to a wall and because I looked like his little female version…and how I hated being teased that! Hehe..anyway, I will not attempt to narrate my life story. But in short, Dad lived in a whole other country, literally, and sadly we grew apart. I’m not proud to say that like many injudicious teenagers, I masked myself with apathy and did not make that much effort to keep in touch. On the occasions that Dad did visit, I kept myself at bay because I knew that he wouldn’t stay for long.

But I grew up, increasing both in years and in wisdom :) And I knew I had to change.  I knew this important relationship was one I had to rekindle, even in small, simple  ways. So I tried to contact him. We exchanged a few emails but when I moved to Malaysia, communication dwindled again. Remembering what I had to do, I sent several emails. But the emails kept bouncing back. I thought his email account may have been full and un-updated so I posted a few letters. After a few months with no reply, I got kind of nervous and decided to send a letter to Dad’s office asking for his current contact details.

Two weeks later, I got an email saying that Dad had passed away five months earlier. Needless to say, I was shaken and was forced to face the dreadful.

Those times weren’t easy but somehow, by God’s incredible grace, I got through it. It was hard but something kept telling me not to dwell on the thousand “what if…” and “if only…” sentiments that were running in my mind.

There was so much temptation to regret because there were so many things left unsaid, undone. But I realized that the past is the past and dwelling on it can be harder than moving forward. If dad were still here today, I would write more, I would give out hugs, I would serve him. I’d greet him happy father’s day and happy birthday everyday to make up for all the times I failed to remember. I’d appreciate his quirky little ways of letting me know that he cares.

Losing dad was like a silent tornado. But now the downpour’s stopped and the mammatus clouds have formed- I will never take relationships for granted ever again. I will cherish every moment I have with people I love. I will not leave any broken relationship unmended. Realizing this now does not make up for any of my mistakes, but I choose not to lament  because all these hard lessons are essential keys to life. I am a better person, and that is dad’s doing. I am the legacy that he left. And for that reason, I will not regret.

>> Romans 5:3- “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us– they help us learn to endure.”